It's hard to believe my precious baby is 4.5 months old. While the past few months seem to have flown by, I also remember the days dragging by. Being a first time mother, I had zero clue what to expect when we came home from the hospital. Asher was born the first week of June, one of the busiest months of work for my husband. That left me alone caring for him, a lot. I was struggling with breastfeeding, healing from an almost 30 hour labor and birth, and now a brand new baby that I knew NOTHING about. Life was tough.
I read so many books and blogs about soaking in that time with your new baby, and how important breastfeeding was, and how to do nothing but heal and bond with your baby. Yeaaaaaa, that didn't happen with us. With my husband working so much and me now being a stay at home mom, I felt immense pressure to get up and take care of the household. This meant cooking, cleaning, and laundry, amongst trying to heal my body & care for a newborn. Looking back, I would 100% do it all differently. I would plan for my husband to take a minimum of a week off, I would have prepared more freezer meals, and I would have my mom come over and do my laundry and dishes ;)
But being a first time mom, I think I felt I had to PROVE I could do it. That I didn't need the help. Well, I did. And IF we have a second child, things will be FAR more different. I did so much research on pregnancy, labor & both. I did ZERO research on post partum and how insanely important that time is. There is a reason you're supposed to take 6-8 weeks off. TAKE THE TIME OFF!!!!
Now, I don't know if it was the pressure I felt to tend to the household and keep our lives as normal as possible, but I don't feel I bonded with Asher for quite some time. Sure, I loved him unconditionally and knowing he was finally here was a feeling I will never be able to explain. But he felt like a stranger. Our lives took a complete 180 and this tiny little baby was the root of it all. There were moments where I cried so hard, missing it being just us. All I wanted was to get a full night's sleep with my husband snuggled up next to me. My body was a mess, my lady bits still healing, and cracked and bleeding nipples from trying to feed my child. When I envisioned starting a family, this was NOT in my dreams. It was tough.
Fast forward to 3 months. Asher finally started to show facial expressions, searching for my face when he heard my voice, giggling, cuddling, and so on. I desperately needed this. Finally this stranger started to feel like mine. My son. My baby I longed for. And I will be forever changed because of him. I will take my very last breath trying to save his.
So, the moral of this story is: the newborn stage is hard. It's not always sunshine, rainbows, and cuddles. My son HATED to be held as a newborn. He was born an independent dude, and still is! He likes to do his own thing. That was hard for me and sometimes still is. Unless he's exhausted or not feeling well, he wants to sleep in his crib, alone. No falling asleep on my chest, nope. Even as a newborn, if he would fuss, picking him up and trying to cuddle only made things worse. One of the many lessons I learned about my son: he's got this.
So to any expecting mamas out there, or mamas that are already mamas, it's ok to not bond with your baby right away. Everyone is different. Every baby is different. BUT, I promise you, it will come. And when it does, it's the absolute best. Just be patient. <3